Fallen out with your best friend? Here’s how to make up

If 2023 was the year of setting boundaries in friendships, 2024 is the year of taking a (healthy) step forward. Last year gave us that viral video on how to break up with your friend using vague therapy speak. It also saw TikTok expose friends who say shit about each other and kicked off a debate on whether it’s ever okay to let off steam about a close buddy.

But the tides are already shifting in the friendverse. As we continue to battle a loneliness crisis (à la All Of Us Strangers and latent pandemic doom), people are feeling the gap in their social circles and want a fun group chat to send drunk, loved-up texts to. According to a 2024 study by Snapchat, 58 per cent of women are more committed to prioritising their platonic friendships over romantic relationships, while 75 per cent are seeking a close knit circle.

Then there’s Netflix bringing back David Nicholls’ bestselling novel One Day and Gen Z can’t get enough of Dex and Em. Yep, there may be a love story in there but really, it’s an ode to their friendship – forgiving, unwavering and full of banter. All this to say, friendships really do matter, even the ones that are currently estranged.

So if you have a bud you’re at crossroads with, but kinda, maybe, really want to make up, you can. We asked five reformed best friends how they did it. From learning to let go of someone else’s mistake and gathering the courage to apologise for yours to establishing a new connection with the same person, use these narratives as your handy blueprint. Warning: heartbreaking and heartwarming stories below x

Freya, 24

I was in a weird, insecure phase and got off on making people around me feel smaller. I didn’t realise it at the time but my best friend was bearing the brunt of this, I made her feel stupid to make myself look better. It was an ugly cycle until she called it and walked out.

I got into therapy, I apologised, I gave her the space she needed. More than anything, she was willing to understand and take that step forward with me. We even did a few sessions of therapy together and learnt how to speak to each other without placing blame or envy. We grew up together and became each other’s punching bags because we were the only constants in an otherwise chaotic family life. Unlearning our mechanisms was key.

We came into our relationship with more empathy and grace. We also spoke to each other with more kindness, sometimes banter slips into humiliation quickly – it’s important to be mindful of that.

If you know you fucked up, show up at their house with flowers and their favourite takeaway and explain yourself. Don’t let your ego hold you back. I think it’s harder when things aren’t as black and white. If both of you are at fault, or even if they’re at fault more than you, don’t let pride take over. You’re thinking of them, so let them know. You’re mad at them, let them know that as well but with an intent to fix things, not place blame.

May, 26

Every time my best friend got into a new relationship, I felt neglected and the resentment kept piling until things got pretty bad in 2022. I said I needed a break and we stopped talking. We’d been close for 17 years and best friends for 13 years, so it was a big deal.

Honestly, I never looked back or thought about reconciling until the day that I did. I just knew I was ready, spoiler alert: we’re best friends again. It was her younger sister’s birthday week and she was pretty much like my younger sister too. That same week, I had a dream about my best friend for the first time in a long time. I took that as a sign and texted her. We collectively believe in signs so the dream was a low hanging icebreaker and we had a good laugh about it.

I reset my expectations around the friendship. We were monogamous best friends for over a decade but I realised that one person can’t show up for everything. I’ve been extremely lucky in my friendships and equally unlucky in my romantic life. She was the only one doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting for me. After the fight I recognised that I needed to take the load off of the friendship and divide the best friend duties amongst other quality volunteers. So yes, a lucky girl :)

Not expecting a lot out of the friendship helped me mend things but in order to get here, you need time. When I reached out, I was ready to accept whatever outcome that came and still hold a conversation. When you decide to contact your former bff just trust the pre-existing friendship and that there was enough love there to reignite it.

Divya, 26

I stopped talking to two of my closest friends at the same time. We were close for 12 years but somehow it felt like a lot of other people had entered our relationship. We have common friends and so the focus shifted on maintaining a group dynamic and less on our individual bond.

I also think I was low in confidence and had some unhealthy coping mechanisms, so I wasn’t there for my friend when she needed it and this increased the distance between us. It sounds cliche but through everything that life threw at us, it was me and her against the world. When that changed, it felt like a breaking point but I wish I trusted our relationship more.

The credit goes to my best friend for being persistent and checking up on me. In the past, I always felt like I had to bring something to a relationship to keep it going but here, even when everything went to hell, she showed up. This showed me that she genuinely cared for me and eventually, I didn’t want to give up on that.

Getting distance put things in perspective and helped me see my friendship for what it was. The fact that my best friend continued to check in on me, even when I wasn’t reciprocating felt like a wake up call. I also got on medication which regulated my emotions and helped me navigate this better. We’re both coming into the friendship with a lot of love and care now, communicating and expressing at every step.

Each person should first take time to figure out what’s going on with them personally before letting it seep into their relationships. Also don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help if you can’t figure it out but most importantly communicate openly, even when you’re afraid it may seem harsh or lead to conflict. And trust your friendship, when things get hard you’ll get through it and it’s probably a momentary obstacle.

Ayesha, 27

It was a combination of things but I felt like there was very little effort from their end to maintain a (fairly new) long distance friendship. We had been best friends since 2017 and depended on each other for support everyday until I moved to the UK. So it was a massive heartbreak when things went downhill.

I reached out to them in 2023 because I was getting engaged, and it felt like a huge part of my life was missing because I couldn’t share it with them. I am not the kind to initiate reconciliations – especially as in this case I felt they were at fault and I had brought up the issues.

However, I wanted closure so I could fully move on or perhaps a better outcome because I had a massive change incoming and wanted them to hear from me. They had got engaged a few months before me and it stung that I found out from a mutual friend. When I reached out, it just clicked and we never looked back.

We came back to the friendship with a lot of maturity and understanding that our adult lives are different from what we envisioned them to be. Previously, we bonded over emotional turmoil and stress. We’ve had to let that go and move on into a healthier and sustainable friendship. Things are calmer and gentler now, especially because we’re both more stable in our personal and professional spaces. They’ve got married to the love of their life and I couldn’t be happier to see them blossom into the best version of themselves.

I am a cheerleader by nature (I think so?) so even if things hadn’t turned out the way they did, I would be civil. I reached out because I lost a lot of important people in my life and this person was most definitely worth fighting for. I love them with all my heart.

Bad grudges aren’t worth it and life is too short to hold onto petty things. Unless it’s something that infringed on your self respect or violated your boundaries – the friendship is always worth fighting for. We rarely find gems.

Sonny, 23

After we finished college, my best friend and I picked very different paths. Simply put: his job gave him a lot of money and freedom, while mine didn’t. He spent his weekends travelling and looking hot at the beach, sending me drunk snaps along the way. As our lifestyles changed, it felt like he didn’t get me any more. He pushed me to experiment with hobbies and explore sexually but I just didn’t have the time or energy for it. Eventually we both stopped trying until we didn’t talk anymore.

I was moving homes and packing up my cupboard when I found a letter he’d written to me at graduation. Seeing it made me angry, bitter and jealous, but mostly sad. I sent him a photo of the letter: no caption, just there. An hour later he was at my doorstep, good timing too, as the moving truck was scheduled that same evening. We packed, ate greasy chips and just talked ‘til we couldn’t anymore.

I hate that this brought on the shift but he got laid off six months ago and that made my reality more plausible to him. He apologised for pressuring me to do more and be more, and I apologised for not communicating better. I was so embarrassed that I shut him out and pretended to be better instead of just being honest and vulnerable. We were both arrogant and mean when we didn’t need to be, so we’re working on this together.

When you miss your friend, don’t scroll back to your last conversation – it’s likely that it wasn’t pleasant and that’s not how you want to remember them. Also, don’t assume that you know how they’re going to respond to your side of the story; you know your friend well but you’re not them. Give the other person the benefit of doubt, even if they’ve hurt you in the past. If they hurt you again, I’m sorry but at least you tried and really, you’d rather know than wonder.