Through your phone, a smoky voice is talking slowly, deliberately. “Last night really got me thinking… I’ve been attracted to you for a long time, and I know you’ve been looking at me too…” He continues, describing how seeing your naked body was ‘the most beautiful sight he had ever seen’, his breath catching in anticipation as he describes several more things he’d like to do to you that, for the sake of remaining PG-13, we can’t get into in this article. 

What I’m describing isn’t a steamy memory or a ridiculously hot daydream: it’s just the first couple minutes of audio erotica app Yuu’s ‘Back of the Touring Van’ story, and one of the many tracks you can now enjoy on your phone. Collectively, audio erotica platforms like Yuu, Dipsea, Quinn, and Emjoy offer thousands of narrated NSFW stories. Though their brand of erotica is technically a subcategory rather than a new genre altogether, their [goals differ from mainstream sexual content](https://woo.itv.com/posts/closing-the-pleasure-gap-can-tech-save-sex-for-the-next-generation). Through audio content, they hope to provide a uniquely stimulating, inclusive, and feminist experience. 

Though audio erotica itself is hardly a new concept – as long as technology has existed, it’s been used to create or host sexually explicit videos – apps offering this form of media are relatively new. Since they cropped up in the late 2010s, the platforms have enjoyed massive popularity, beloved not only by millions of users but also by highbrow media. Limited data is available on the aural industry as a whole, but the available statistics don’t lie.

Dipsea, far and beyond one of the leading apps, racked up an impressive 37.3 million listening minutes in 2020. Upon browsing the apps, it’s easy to forget you’re searching for something to get off to: their interfaces are smutty but sleek, with minimalist flat character illustrations, bold typefaces, and witty titles. Compared to the gritty and simplistic interfaces of say, Pornhub, your browsing experience on an audio app is more likely to evoke imagery of sensuality, candlelit rooms and velvet, rather than sweat, artificial lighting, and local MILFS in your area. This luxury aspect is heightened through other wellness services, like sleep guides, and celebrity partnerships; *Insecure*'s Sarunas J. Jackson and *Chilling Adventures of Sabrina*'s Luke Cook have both joined forces with Dipsea to bring the appeal of fanfiction to a whole new level. Ultimately though, as fascinating as the aesthetic departure and millennial branding are, these apps' appeal lies in their content – and what it represents. 

While videos offers the traditional optical stimulation, audio erotica hinges on sensory deprivation. Without imagery to supplement the moans and sighs, your imagination is left to fill in the blanks. App founders and erotica trailblazers believe this creative freedom is the key to a new type of arousal, one with unique feminist potential. Dipsea’s website stresses the OMGYes and Kinsey institute study that “90% of women use their imaginations to get aroused” – they also proudly claim they are "flipping the script, deprogramming harmful ideas, and re-setting the standards for women’s lives and relationships." 

Quinn founder Caroline Spiegel has similarly noted, “[Our content is] not what people think women want. It’s made directly in response.” Here lies the centrality of these app's marketing strategy: they each claim imagination is the key to women's sexual empowerment. Though these assertions almost veer into the overly precious assumptions that women aren’t able to experience arousal through traditional sexual media, they do target the disillusionment provoked in many by mainstream pornographic material. 

Much of the free, visual media on the internet today is centred around the male gaze, and this can be discouraging, boring, offensive, and just hard to concentrate on. As I interviewed fans of this new kind of audio, one user in her 20s noted that she “wasn’t opposed to standard [videos], but it was hard to find things [she] was comfortable with.” With audio erotica, she felt like she had found a way to masturbate to her fantasies while feeling like she was “involved, instead of like a voyeur.” 

Further, sex educator [Tara Michaela](https://www.instagram.com/tara.michaela/?hl%3Den&source=gmail&ust=1651067405359000&usg=AOvVaw0yEfpGMAYQ7VbzgAdMYPUw) attributes part of the appeal to “the effort to make it feel like a form of self care, with a lot of emphasis on breathwork, almost mirroring meditation,” as well as the genre’s consistent inclusion of “conversations about consent, about each partner's desires, and aftercare.” So while I want to be careful and note that the pre-existing standard of inattentiveness is more of a problem of our patriarchal culture than something intrinsic in one specific type of erotica, the sentiment remains: NSFW platforms that promise to centre women’s wants, needs, and pleasure in any way at all are incredibly appealing. 

So how do they work? Quite simply, audio apps offer a wide range of tracks to satisfy your imagination and yes – get you off. Their content is diverse both in terms of representation (most platforms stress their commitment to including an expansive range of voices) and categories: you can choose to listen to a straightforward audio of an individual or couple enjoying themselves, or ease your way in with erotic stories. [Ashleigh Nicole Tribble](https://www.instagram.com/ashleighchubbybunny/?hl=en), a sex-positivity blogger, notes that audio components provide "more of a lower barrier to entry when it comes to sex and sexuality because so much of what we constitute as sex is rooted in visual, and physical marginalisation, and power dynamics. This opens the door to not only providing more sex content for all kinds of different people, but also provides a way for us to experience all different kinds of sex.” 

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For example, Quinn’s preview audio ‘You First’ gets right into it with breathless dirty talk and a lengthy climax, while Yuu’s aforementioned ‘Back of the Touring Van’ is a 20-minute long story told in the second-person perspective that takes at least a couple minutes to get into the dirty details. No matter what your prefered niche is, it’s most likely represented on audio apps: the main difference here lies more in the stylistic presentation than the content itself. Though the somewhat sanitised branding had me sceptical, it’s certainly still very sexy – dirty, of course, but also sensual and intimate. 

Tribble shouts out categories including “male filthy affirmation, solo male masturbation, and couples sex,” noting, “If I’m feeling adventurous, I branch out into BDSM or other kink territory, but usually I’m down to hear someone tell me that they’re going to make me wet by the end of the audio and then proceeding to in the sexiest way possible through my headphones!” If you’re interested in exploring these for yourself, most of the leading sites require subscriptions, which are relatively cheap, but offer free options and trial phases as well. 

All in all, this relatively new attitude towards sexual media can be understood through some sort of Post-Goop, wellness-oriented lens. While most of erotica is still shrouded in stigma, the re-branding we’re witnessing on these new platforms provides a convenient detour where masturbation can safely be justified as an empowering mindfulness practice. While this attitude feels slightly gimmicky, it’s still filling an important gap: again and again, audio erotica fans stressed feelings of freedom, escapism, and inclusion. In our conversation, Tribble said it best: audio erotica is “a way for people to escape the over-saturation of hypersexual images that don’t necessarily reflect them in an intimate situation.” Ultimately, I’m not one to complain about any type of feminist erotica, especially one that’s helping so many explore their sexuality. 

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Like Headspace, but for wanking – sex audio platforms are making unique, stimulating, and inclusive experiences


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A guide to audio erotica

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Em Odesser

Audio Erotica: Could a Podcast Get You Off?

Five minutes of *Euphoria* or out in the club losing it to “WAP” and you’d believe mind-blowing sex had finally been democratised. But data suggests many of us are experiencing a ‘pleasure gap’, whether that’s because we’re reportedly glued to our phones and [losing a libido](https://www.vice.com/en/article/d38gem/your-phone-is-a-low-key-libido-murderer) because of it, or simply by virtue of having a clitoris - a sexual organ [vastly underappreciated](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311) during heterosexual sex, and largely left out of the pop cultural script.

The ‘pleasure gap’ is often used to refer to the orgasm disparity between cis heterosexual men and cis heterosexual women. Understandably so. A [2020 study](https://metro.co.uk/2020/07/05/orgasm-gap-men-women-12941809/) from the sex toy company Lelo says that men are still climaxing more often than women during sex - 66%, compared to 43% respectively. [Studies consistently find](https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/?sh=4e3bc25260f8) that cis heterosexual women are the least likely demographic to orgasm during sex. In *The Case of the Female Orgasm*, Elisabeth Lloyd’s research found that only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. In addition, one in 20 women have never orgasmed with a sexual partner. 

But look beyond this definition, and ‘pleasure gap’ also encompasses the imbalances many people outside the heterosexual and binary norms experience. Disabled and LGBTQ+ people continue to face feeling misunderstood by society, uneducated on non-heterosexual sex, or not catered to in sex tech and toys. The big issue? Their pleasure matters less.


Experts say that while we’ve come a huge way in destigmatising sex, pleasure equity isn’t here yet. So what’s the solution? Increasingly diverse sex tech companies are emerging, with ventures from gender neutral sex toys to equipment that [improves mobility](https://www.spokz.co.uk/catalog/product/view/id/187/s/intimaterider/category/143/) during sex. 

Yasmin Benoit, a model and asexual activist, thinks “in comparison to any other sexual orientation, asexuality is still one of the least talked about”. Asexual people can still have a libido and get aroused, she explains. “People find asexuality hard to understand for some reason, and I definitely think many tend to find it very controversial and taboo. It’s just that this sexuality isn't directed towards anyone else,” she adds. “I think the sex positivity movement could definitely do with expanding how sex is represented, so that it's just a bit less focused on who you're having sex with, and how you how much you want to have sex, and instead build empowerment around your sexuality.” 

It’s a common misconception that asexual people would have no use for sex gadgets, but many asexual people do self pleasure - asexual sex toy reviewers and blogs like [Ace in the Hole](https://aceinthehole.co/about/) and [Asexual Activities](https://www.asexualactivities.com/) highlight that. Across the reviews and forums, asexual people highlight that exaggerated anatomical designs - think veiny dildos - are a turnoff. Some people even show an interest in the fantasy designs of [Bad Dragon](https://bad-dragon.com/).

Benoit isn’t the only person who feels the sex positivity movement could face a rehaul. The founders of Bump’n, a hardware start-up creating the first line of accessible sex toys designed for and by people with disabilities, believe so much of “sex positivity” and sexual wellness assumes able-bodiedness. Founded by brother and sister Heather Morrison and Andrew Gurza, Bump’n began because of Andrew’s experience of disability and his declining ability to masturbate. 

Their own survey found 56% of people living with physical disabilities had difficulty self pleasuring and 92% wanted a toy designed for them. Their first product, the [Joystick](https://getbumpn.com/), works for all genders. It bends and flexes for different positions, body types, preferences and needs. 

“We don’t see enough people of colour, overweight people, or especially, disabled people in pleasure settings or contexts, and it is a huge issue because it sets an impossible standard that pleasure is only accessible to thin, white, cisgender, able-bodied folks. And we all know how untrue and false that is,” Gurza says. “When these marginalised community members are deliberately not included in discussions of pleasure, it makes sex and pleasure dishonest for us all.”  

Bump’n found 93% agreed that disabled people are ignored and overlooked when it comes to sexuality, while 76% agreed that society incorrectly assumes they’re non-sexual or asexual because of their disability.

Poppy Scarlett Lepora, owner of [Self and More](https://www.selfandmore.co.uk/), began her sex toy boutique in 2019 because she wanted to create a place where people could be sexually free of gender labels. “Let's face it, products don't need to be gendered. That’s a marketing ploy,” she says. “It's not for a brand to tell someone whether they should use a toy because of the gender that they identify with - it’s just for a body part.”

Her items aren’t marketed using gender as a result and simply highlight their use. Take [the 5 inch curved glass beaded dildo](https://www.instagram.com/p/CTjWLtBHbGU/), which is a series of small transparent orbs and looks like artistic homeware. Lepora’s description states it’s “ideal for external rubbing and targeted yet gentle penetration” and claims it is akin “to a generous finger, with ripples of smooth glass that feel excellent when dragged along the skin”. It’s an ideal toy too for anyone who might struggle with larger penetration due to a medical condition.

“Removing labels just makes the process so much more comfortable for people,” she says. She feels the narrative of sex toys is “rooted in this kind of heterosexual version of sex, where you're buying toys to please your partner to perform a role of sensuality rather your own pleasure”. But at the same time, many hetererosexual men have been afraid to incorporate them into their sex life for [fear it emasculates them](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/21/vibrator-not-a-substitute-for-a-man).

The LGBTQ+ community has been far more open to sex toys, Lepora says, and sees them for what sex toys are: a tool in your arsenal, rather than a replacement for a person or genitals. It’s one reason why a physical pleasure gap has rarely been an issue in this community in the same way it has in hetero partnerships. 

But this isn’t a new phenomenon. Dr Hallie Lieberman – a sex historian who holds the world's first PhD in the history of sex toys – highlights a cultural turning point in history about 500 years ago, when men began to fear that women deriving pleasure from elsewhere would mean they shirked their responsibilities as wives and mothers. There’s also a [pervasive myth](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181107-the-history-of-the-vibrator) that sex toys were first used by doctors to treat the now defunct medical term ‘hysteria’ in women - true or not, it highlights a funny little gap in women’s and sexual health more widely that still stands. So far, not so good vibrations.

“In the infamous *Sex and the City* episode, Charlotte gets addicted to her vibrator and the group do an intervention. They say she'll never be with a man if she continues,” Lieberman adds.

While we have some way to go in tackling the patriarchal views of sex that prioritises male pleasure, we’re seeing a clear marketing shift on women’s masturbation. Look on NastyGal or ASOS and you'll find an array of vibrators and dildos. Celebrities from Lily Allen to Cara Delevingne [releasing sex toys has also contributed to this transformation](https://www.vice.com/en/article/4ad8bp/sex-positivity-trend-influencers-sex-toys). Lepora points out, in many ways, this is capitalism moving in on a market demographic - women and queer people. Is this the trade-off to busting unnecessary taboos on female masturbation?


Sex toys can only do so much of the heavy lifting when it comes to bridging societal pleasure gaps however. So how is sex education looking? On the hit Netflix show *Sex Education*, Maeve Wiley, a character who sets up her own sex clinic to help students at her school, tells a teacher: “You make sex sound terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be fun and beautiful and teach you things about yourself and your body.” 

“So much of my and Andrew’s work is giving people education around sex and disability, and through that education people’s minds are changed - not overnight - but the seeds are planted [to destigmatise it],” says Bump’n’s Morrison.

A survey of young people aged 16-17 in England [carried out by Censuswide](https://www.sexeducationforum.org.uk/resources/evidence/young-peoples-rse-poll-2021) found the quality of Relationships and Sex Education is getting worse. One in five students rated it ‘bad’ or ‘very bad’, while a majority felt unable to ask questions or for advice. It doesn’t need to be this way. Last year, Scotland was the first country to integrate LGBT+ education into the national school curriculum. [A recent study](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/942378) from PLOS ONE found that sexual health programs which teach sexual desire and sexual pleasure can improve knowledge and attitudes around sex, as well as condom use.

Calum McSwiggan is an influencer who focuses mainly on sexual wellness and LGBTQ+ issues, such as being a gay man who [does not enjoy anal sex](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wC-jDU1xgDs), and is also an ambassador for sex toy company Lovehoney. He believes LGBTQ+ people are “introduced to the world of sex in a very heteronormative way”, resulting in them being excluded. “We don’t educate on intimacy or pleasure, which is partly why there is such a gap in knowledge,” he says.

Bryony Cole, host of the Future of Sex podcast, says with such a huge gap in sex education, sex tech and sex toy companies are realistically the forces to fill it. We saw this in 2020, when PornHub launched a sex educational series, with 11 videos on sex, relationships and sexual health, from information on sexually transmitted diseases to checking consent. 

“In an ideal world, it wouldn’t be on sex tech to educate us on sex and relationships, but that’s the situation we’re in,” says Cole.


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PornHub cannot and should not be the one to teach us everything, especially when it profits from sex’ workers stolen content, [revenge porn and sexual assault videos](https://www.ladbible.com/news/news-pornhub-launches-first-ever-sex-education-series-20201029). Thankfully, there has been a rise of thoughtful innovative porn producers such as Erika Lust and Matt Lambert, whose works centre women and queer stories. They blur the boundaries between art and pornography, offering an alternative and arguably more realistic portrayal of sex and sensuality. [Lust told the New York Times](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/14/movies/erika-lust.html) her goal was for female performers to have real orgasms in her films. “If there is a scene with penetrative sex, viewers need to see a woman using her hand or a vibrator at the same time - because that’s what works for most women,” she said. 

A surprising wake-up call on sex and intimacy came with the pandemic, when we reckoned with the importance of physical touch. Countless people experienced a “touch crisis”, its own kind of pleasure chasm, during lockdown. Many of us became more cognizant of the need for contact - intimate or otherwise. Dr Lieberman points out that the exponential rise in VR porn and remotely controlled sex tech in the pandemic has been hugely beneficial for disabled people too.

Tech isn’t our salvation, and we shouldn’t have to rely on big brands seeking to profit on our pleasures for better sex, but it has been key in bridging the gap for issues mainstream society turns a blind eye to. “I love the boldness of the younger generations to wear vibrators as necklaces,” Morrison says. “I think we are seeing so much change and sexual liberation, particularly from minority or previously excluded groups that dont fit into the cis, able bodied, white, thin persona. That said, there’s still a lot of work to be done - in normalising sex and sexual wellness, and also in sex education which is more inclusive, more realistic to the experiences and pressures of today.” 

Anything short of true, equal pleasure for all isn’t the vibe(ration).

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The future of sex has never looked more exciting – but inclusivity in the pursuit of pleasure is up for debate

Can sex tech close the pleasure gap?

Ruchira Sharma

Closing the Pleasure Gap: can tech save sex for the next generation?

Nigerian musician Boj dishes out his best dating advice for Love Line – from how to know you’re in love and farting in front of your significant other

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Love Line Love Advice with Boj

Love Line: When to break bro code for a relationship

When to break bro code for a relationship

London-based stylist Leah Abbott keeps it real while answering your sex, dating, and relationship questions for Love Line by Woo

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Love line: love advice with Leah Abbot 

Love Line: I met my partner at a sex party 

I met my partner at a sex party – now what?

UK singer Mahalia answers a new line-up of dating queries, from Instagram turn-offs to possibly having sex on the floor of an escape room for Love Line.

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Love Line: Mahalia Love Advice

Catfished But I Still Caught Feelings

Watch British singer-songwriter Sasha Keable's words of wisdom on how to stop stalking your ex on Instagram, dating someone who won’t commit, and spicing up your long-term relationships

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Love Line with Sasha Keable

Addicted to your Ex’s Instagram?

Love is tough, but woo’s celebrity advice line featuring the likes of Mahalia and Sasha Keable is open for your burning questions 

Love Line: I’m addicted to my ex’s Instagram

watch

Help! I’m addicted to my ex’s Instagram

We all know we’re supposed to run for the hills when we spot a ‘red flag’ – those little niggles and neuroses of a new love interest that set off some internal alarm bells. Maybe they’re rude to waiters, super secretive with their phone, talk a lot of shit about their ex, or are just generally emotionally unavailable – eventually, these warning signs loom so large they signal a swift exit out of the relationship.

On the other hand, maybe a relationship green flag is reeling you in – they smile at dogs in the street, they ask questions unprompted, they remember little details about your life, they love their mum.

Pink flags, however? Here’s the new relationship moment that the internet is exploring. They’re easier to miss, lying in the murky halfway point between a nitpicking ick and a major interpersonal concern. Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and co-founder of dating app [So Synced](https://www.sosyncd.com/), [describes pink flags](https://www.tyla.com/sex-and-relationships/pink-flags-relationships-defined-examples-red-flags-20220107) as “indications that the relationship might not be right or that it will take some work”. So, while they aren’t complete deal-breakers, they are not to be ignored.


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# So what are examples of pink flags?

By themselves, they may not sound like much. Does your new boo always show up to dates late? Maybe they have a habit of scrolling on their phones right after doing the deed, or perhaps they aren’t good at texting back. Before you know the context behind their behaviour, they don’t necessarily present as a red flag in your love-breeze.

Let’s say that your love interest is besties with their ex, for example – while not the ideal scenario for most people, this isn’t necessarily a reason to end it. It could even be a green flag, showing maturity in relationships and respect for partners rather than labelling them as a ‘crazy ex’. However, depending on the specific details of their situation, it could also suggest unfinished business or codependency. 

Pink flags can crop up in your platonic relationships too – check back on [our guide to navigating toxic friendships](https://woo.itv.com/posts/woo-explains-how-to-know-when-you-re-in-a-toxic-friendship) for more on that. A lack of availability, competing friendship circles, and jealousy can be pink flag pal signs. In workplace dynamics too, you should keep an eye – maybe a colleague is playing you off another, or holidays become tough to take. 

# What do we do with pink flags?

What is key here is to identify pink flags early on, and communicate any concerns with your partner to avoid them developing into major issues, especially if you see long-term potential in the relationship. You could simply have different [love languages](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained), [personality types](https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types), or [attachment styles](https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/) – while these mismatches can all contribute to minor concerns in the beginning stages of dating, they most certainly don’t mean the relationship is doomed. It may just take more work.

“The interesting thing that I notice with my clients when we discuss pink flags is that often women who are dating tend to use pink flags as an excuse to discount man who actually might be a good fit for them. Interestingly, they also tend to completely overlook red flags which obviously are indicators of a much bigger problem,” Kate Mansfield, a dating and relationship coach, previously [told](https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/what-are-pink-flags) *Glamour*. 

“This is because red flags often show up as avoidance or someone unavailable, and this triggers wanting to chase,” Mansfield added. “By contrast, pink flags are smaller and less problematic challenges which tend to have the effect of putting us off someone. This is especially the case if there is no established bond yet. I help women to slow down their dating, to notice red flags and stop painting them green. 

“But as importantly, I help them to work through pink flags, learning to be more authentic and to see the value in speaking up and working through these kind of minor challenges. As a result many of them find an ideal partner in someone that historically they would have given up on or completely overlooked.”

Pink flags aren’t a scary new thing to worry about in the already complicated world of dating. Instead, take them as a way to check in with yourself and your partner so that you can develop happier, healthier relationships. Don’t let the pink put you off. And if they do lead to red flags? Well, you know what to do… 


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Euphoria 

Say goodbye to the ick and wave the flag high for this new relationship buzzword

Should I dump someone over relationship ‘pink flags‘?

Eve Walker

The summer of 2022 looms, and with it, another cultural vibe shift. The past two years have, due to the coronavirus pandemic, been fraught with social and societal angst. Long periods of lockdown and near total isolation demanded new forms of interaction – cursed zoom dates, socially-distanced walks, looking at the same four walls of your bedroom for the rest of your entire life… the thought of it alone is enough to make you shudder.

In the absence of any meaningful real-world experiences, life online accelerated, as did the [multiple ways](https://i-d.vice.com/en_uk/article/y3vj8m/trendcore-tiktok) in which people began to envisage themselves, the ideal they would embody once the Covid nightmare had abated. There was immense pressure, in the summer of 2021 in particular when restrictions were almost entirely lifted for many people, to make the most of it, to be your best self, and for women especially to finally live out their [hot girl summer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbcLcSY2au4&ab_channel=MeganTheeStallion) dream that had been cruelly quashed since 2020.

[According to a study](https://hypebae.com/2022/5/feral-girl-summer-dating-advice-badoo-persia-lawson) conducted by the dating app Badoo, 71 per cent of women feel pressured to live their lives a certain way due to the recent trend of having a hot girl summer.  But this is 2022, and it’s time for Feral Girl Summer, according to the [latest TikTok movement](https://www.tiktok.com/discover/Feral-girl-summer?lang=en). It advocates letting go of unrealistic ideas of perfection, rejecting rigidity, and welcoming chaos.

But what does this mean in practice? We spoke to three experts in their field, Vogue sex and dating columnist Annie Lord, arts and culture writer Eloise Hendy, and dating and relationship coach Rachel New, to unpack the psychology of Feral Girl Summer.


## Annie Lord, Vogue’s sex and dating columnist 

“Over the pandemic, there was such an emphasis on fitness and everyone became really obsessed with their routine, and doing all those online workouts and self improvements – it was like ‘are you writing a novel in your spare time’, ‘what are your hobbies?’. 

It ended up going on for so much longer than we thought, and now stuff is open and it’s ‘back to normal’. I just went to the gym for about an hour making my body look nicer when really I should've been working. Sometimes I feel I put all this work into making my body look nice and no one even notices, I haven’t been on holiday in ages you know what i mean?

I definitely feel and notice now in my friends wanting to stop having this protestant work ethic thing of like saving up for something to happen, it’s like gym less, party more!

It feels like dating has been a lot shitter recently in that everyone’s so flakey and uninterested in pursuing a connection, you go on one date and they’ve already lost interest. Apps make you feel like there’s always something new out there, so you go on one date and they’re distracted by the prospect of someone else. I feel like now, I go on dates and if I fancy a guy I’m just gonna have sex with him. I’m bored of trying to play a game to make someone fancy me or to trap them, I’m just gonna pursue pleasure more. 

It reminds me of ‘that girl’, someone who wakes up at half five and makes a really nice breakfast, goes to the gym, does a spinning class, does work but it’s all a bullet-pointed list of everything, I feel like it’s a push against that vibe of life being a checklist routine thing. It’s just like a return to chaos!”

[@annielord8](https://twitter.com/annielord8)


## Eloise Hendy, arts and culture writer

“The pandemic forced us to be sensible – to think of others, to stay indoors, to go on just one stupid little walk a day. And rightly so! But, now, as things tentatively return to normal, it shouldn’t surprise us that there’s a hefty dose of pent up emotion ready to spill all over the place like a Wetherspoons’ Woo Woo pitcher. 

Really, has there ever been a better time to forget restraint and self-control? To let your hair down, go a bit wild, and not worry about the consequences?

we're all looking at the world and seeing a never-ending parade of disasters. The world is literally burning. And it feels like no one ‘in charge’ is doing anything. It’s enough to make anyone crazy. Maybe the feral girl trend is about saying, fuck it, the world is ending, we might as well have fun while it lasts. Maybe that’s apolitical and nihilistic, like “partying while Rome burns”. But, it’s also a rejection of the ‘just keep working’ capitalist mantra that works in tandem with the patriarchal dogma telling women to ‘stay pretty, stay neat, don’t be too loud, people-please’ – both are effective systems of control. And ‘going feral’ is about sticking two fingers up to all of that. 

And, in a culture that often chastises women for being ‘too much’ and for taking ‘excessive’ enjoyment in things, insisting on the value of parties and pleasure at all costs is nothing short of subversive. The girls just want to have FUN. So, down with detachment, and cleanliness, and the minimal, perfectionism of ‘that girl.’ I want less punishment and more parties. In a brutal and chaotic world, really, going a bit feral seems like a sensible option.”

[@EloiseHendy](https://twitter.com/EloiseHendy)

## Suzannah Weiss, certified sex educator, sex/love coach

“I think trends like ‘hot girl summer’ and ‘feral girl summer’ are a result of us being traumatised from our lives being taken from us for two years and wanting to really get back to living as fully as we can.

‘Feral girl summer’ also results in particular from more women challenging stereotypes of what it means to be ‘ladylike’ – e.g. that it means you have to be quiet and reserved and proper and can't be wild.

The idea of enjoying a ‘hot girl summer’ or ‘feral girl summer’ also reflects sexual liberation and a growing desire for women to be openly and unapologetically sexual.

I would say that being feral, in its best sense, simply means expressing all of who you are, so don't let someone else tell you what that means to you. Simply have the summer that you would dream of having if there were nothing holding you back.

For instance, a feral girl summer doesn't have to involve alcohol or going to clubs. It could mean blocking out an afternoon to spend on your bed with your vibrator if that's what you are called to do.”

[@suzannahweiss](https://suzannahweiss.com/)


## Rachel New, dating and relationship coach

“What’s great about the feral girl trend is that they have a really healthy relationship with themselves: feral girls can celebrate who they really are rather than creating an artificial, manicured self. They don’t waste time trying to get approval or fit in – they are too busy enjoying an authentic life in all its multi-sensory glory.

Feral girls know that they sometimes need to be able to let go of all the “shoulds” and “oughts” and be self-indulgent. We often have a critical inner voice and we need to match that with a compassionate, loving voice that believes in us, accepts us for who we really are and sets us free.

Most of us should be proud of the way we’ve been exercising so much self-restraint for the last two years of lockdown, being socially responsible and cautious about social interaction and physical contact. We’ve also re-evaluated superficial social norms like wearing make-up and uncomfortable high heels and spending hours on our appearance, when people have been dying and young people in particular have been struggling with isolation and mental health challenges. So it makes sense that they should want to stop holding back, act a bit more spontaneously and enjoy life again.”

[@RNewDatingCoach](https://twitter.com/RNewdatingcoach/)


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It’s time to reject curation and embrace chaos

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How to have a Feral Girl Summer, according to experts

Team Woo

“Should I stay friends with my ex?” It’s a dilemma that dominates forum sites like [Quora](https://www.quora.com/Why-say-I-hope-we-can-still-be-friends-if-you-don-t-mean-it), [Yahoo! Answers](https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070618050018AAnOBMY) and Reddit pages like [r/relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3jbfiz/why_do_exes_say_i_hope_we_can_still_be_friends/), [r/teenagers](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/bdgwfn/saying_i_hope_we_can_still_be_friends_after_a/), and [r/AskReddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/fc4su/i_hope_we_can_still_be_friends/). In the jungle of [advice columns](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/the-age-of-peak-advice) which have sprouted up recently, people really want to know whether they should try to maintain a friendship with their former flame.

Relationships are all different and they end for all types of reasons. Sometimes, the best thing for one or both parties is to not be friends (and never speak again). People who stay friends with their exes aren’t “better at breakups”, necessarily, they’re just doing them in a different way. But although it’s definitely not superior, it seems like staying friends after a breakup is increasingly considered a desirable endpoint these days. 

When it comes to staying pals with an ex, I’ve noticed a definite contrast between LGBTQ+ and heterosexual couples. I’m speaking generally here, but in my experience, queer couples are more likely to stay friends after a breakup. For straight people, this might be a newer concept. But in LGBTQ+ circles, it’s been an established norm for some time.

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“My best friend is actually an ex,” gay sex and relationships writer Nick Levine tells Woo. The pair were together for a year, around 12 years ago, but now they live together platonically. Levine agrees that remaining friends with an ex is a queer norm. “As a gay person, if you find someone that you really connect with and you feel like they’re your kind of person, sometimes that can morph into something romantic, but sometimes not,” he explains. “When it does and then that ends, you don't really want to let that person go from your life.”

When author S. Bear Bergman [wrote about LGBTQ+ couples-turned-friends in 2017](https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/from-exes-to-friends-the-lasting-bonds-of-many-lgbtq-relationships/article34110401/), he noted that there had been a lack of research into why it might be more common in queer circles. He was critical of an [860-person Oakland University study](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886916302690) for only featuring opposite-sex couples (in the year 2017, no-less). Still, the “chosen family” aspect came up often in his anecdotal research. “When we meet people that really get us, that are on our side? We'll do a lot more work to keep those people in our lives,” one woman told him, echoing Levine.

Over the years, the queer community has generally embraced different relationship types and structures more than straight people. (Again, I’m generalising, but think: polyamory, open relationships and fuck buddy-type arrangements). This norm is likely a response to being shut out of traditional institutions like marriage until relatively recently, plus the radical tradition in queer politics for seeking to dismantle such structures altogether, rather than seek inclusion within them. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t feel like a giant leap to theorise that a more open-minded attitude towards types of relationships could translate into a similar approach to breaking up. “If your relationship wasn’t ‘traditional’ in the linear, heteronormative sense, then when it ends, maybe there's no real need for the break up to be quite so final?” Levine says.

Rebecca Griffith, of the University of Kansas, [conducted her own research](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/pere.12197) into  “post-dissolution friendships”. Thankfully, this time, same-sex couples were included. As predicted, Griffith’s study found that LGBTQ+ participants reported being more likely to be friends with their exes, compared to straight couples. 

Across all identities, Griffith found four main reasons people have for being friends with an ex. “1) Civility (i.e., *I want this breakup to hurt less than it will otherwise*). 2) Reasons relating to unresolved romantic desires (*I want to see other people but keep you within reach in case I change my mind*). 3) Practicality (*We work together/go to school together/share mutual friends, and thus we should stay on good terms to minimise drama*). 4) Security (*I trust you and want you to remain in my life as a confidant and supportive presence*).” The last category, security, was the biggest motivator for LGBTQ+ couples-turned-friends.

Ben, 28, from London, tells me that he has had sex with most of his gay friends. “I’d say it’s about 60 percent, maybe more,” he says. “I supposed that would be less normal in ‘straight world’ – sleeping with most of your friends, or even having that many close friends you could feasibly fuck.” When it comes to exes, specifically, he tells me that he’d count two former boyfriends as friends. “With both of my exes, we were friends, then fuck buddies before we got together, so we already knew how to be friends,” he says.

This mixture of friendship, relationships and sex might seem chaotic to some. But Aimee, 31, stresses the importance of a clean break after a relationship ends. She is bisexual and, interestingly, she says she’s had much more success remaining friends with her former girlfriends than boyfriends. In her experience, she says, men are less able to cut off the sexual side post-breakup, which becomes messy. With her former girlfriends-turned-friends, Aimee puts it down to boundaries. “After a breakup, I’m a big believer in cutting off all contact for a while, especially if you want to be friends one day,” she says. “That way, after a bit of distance, you can build or rebuild the friendship part of it, without the other feelings getting in the way.”

It strikes me as pretty mature and emotionally intelligent for former couples to manage to navigate a way through all this and remain friends. Relationship psychotherapist [Charisse Cooke](https://charissecooke.com/) tells Woo that the current generation has never been more “relationally” intelligent. “There’s an awareness and sensitivity to the emotions and experience of others, a social consciousness that makes for much more mature attitudes to intimate relationships,” she says. “Our view on relationships generally is adapting to modern society. Relationships needn’t have labels, conventions, or monogamous restrictions. As long as we are respecting each other as best we can, we are finding new and meaningful ways to live and love.”

Just to be clear: this isn’t to suggest queer couples are inherently more emotionally intelligent than straight couples, or that people who stay friends with exes are any moreso than those who don’t. 

After all, there are structural reasons for the disparity between straight and queer couples after breakups. As long as there have been queer people, there have been LGBTQ+ friendship circles, but as Ashley Fetters wrote for *[The Atlantic](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/08/why-do-people-want-stay-friends-after-breakup/596170/)*, the platonic straight friendship is a relatively new invention by comparison.

When women were mostly confined to the home, Fetters writes, men and women were thought to have less in common. But gender equality means that, compared to 50 years ago, women are living lives that are much more similar to men’s and navigating the same physical spaces, such as workplaces and universities. “When a platonic friendship between a man and woman became a more realistic proposition in its own right, so did a platonic friendship between a man and woman who used to date,” she writes.

Now, there is a growing trend towards straight couples embracing the queer tradition of post-romantic friendships. Writing for *Vogue* last September, Gwyneth Paltrow argued that her cordial “conscious uncoupling” from musician Chris Martin “permeated” breakup culture. “Instead of people approaching me with, ‘Why did you say that?’, they now approach me with, ‘How do you do that?’”

Of course, there will be exceptions to the rule. Breakups, regardless of sexuality or gender identity, are all different. (Personally, I know several gay exes who are now moral enemies). But it still seems like people are becoming more open to different approaches to getting together and breaking up too. 

Ultimately, this feels like a good thing. “If you can get over the heteronormative idea that a relationship has to look and operate in a particular way,” Levine says. “Then you realise that a breakup doesn't need to pan out in any particular way either. It can be liberating.”

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Queer couples give breakup tips to straight people

Louis Staples

We may be long past the height of the coronavirus pandemic, but the shockwaves of its sudden, and prolonged lockdowns are still being felt across society. It would only be natural to assume that living under unprecedented social restrictions for the best part of two years would have a profound and enduring impact on people’s emotional state, how they perceive themselves, and how they interact with others.

Much has been written about the pitfalls of navigating dating in the midst of the pandemic from going on dreaded Zoom dates, awkward socially-distanced walks, and how to actually hook up with someone when you’re legally obliged to stay two metres apart at all times (unless you are housemates, which opens up a whole different can of worms).

But what is now following the immediate trauma and inconvenience of these bizarre parameters are the longer-term impacts - emerging from a highly-stilted dating environment, people found themselves having moments of mental clarity, where they just wanted things to be more real, to be honest, less contrived. 

Introducing the phenomenon of ‘coronesty’, people’s increasing desire for more honesty in interactions with others, with themselves, and what they want from a romantic relationship.


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It was widely reported that the pandemic caused [spikes in break-ups and divorces ](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20201203-why-the-pandemic-is-causing-spikes-in-break-ups-and-divorces)as living in close-quarters eventually took its toll on many couples - leading British law firm Stewarts reported a 122 per cent increase in divorce applications between July and October of 2020 compared to the same period the previous year. For others not living in the same household, the distance forced between them during lockdowns became too much to reconcile once restrictions were lifted.

Similar to the ‘Great Resignation’ - where large swathes of the population quit their jobs during lockdown to pursue something more meaningful to them - this sudden influx of recently divorced/recently single people into the dating market are now much more considered and active with their choices, keen to find a true soulmate and not waste any more time with people who are not perfectly compatible. 

“Since the pandemic, I’m getting so many clients that have turned their backs on dating the wrong people,” London-based dating and relationships coach [Rachel New](https://rachelnewdatingcoach.co.uk/) tells me. “Before, a first date that was only so-so might have led to a second date, but now they’re moving straight onto another first date. And further down the line, life is too short to waste on being in the wrong relationship. They know from bitter experience that once you get into one it can take years to get out again.”


As a result, post-pandemic dating is “more intentional,” New tells me. “People are less likely to take a passive approach: in the past, they might wait around for the other person to message them about whether they want a second date, letting the other person decide. Now they will message themselves and be confident about saying ‘I’d love a second date’ or ‘I enjoyed our date, but I don’t think we’re right for each other’.”

“In the past, women might have been less likely to take the lead, thinking that is what men preferred,” New says. But the current levels of proactivity and intentionality now “apply to both men and women”.

But it’s not simply about analysing the person you’re dating and whether or not they are right for you, New argues, instead, this new approach comes from a renewed appreciation for self-love and self-care. “Research shows that being more mindful of and compassionate towards our own needs is more important than self-esteem. Post-pandemic dating is about knowing what our triggers are and where they come from and being able to soothe ourselves. Then we don’t need to be reliant on others for feeling good and coping with the ups and downs of life, which is a really good basis for relating to others.”

Echoing this focus on the self, the Los Angeles-based certified sex educator [Suzannah Weiss](https://twitter.com/suzannahweiss) believes that the pandemic has made people more comfortable being alone. “Many people have been surprised to realise that they can, in fact, go months and maybe years without any romantic or sexual connection and be absolutely fine. People have found other things to fill their time, like new career-related projects and hobbies. So, they're less willing to sacrifice their time and energy for someone who isn't right for them. Instead, they're wanting to be clear on what they want and limit their interactions to those who can provide it.”

This all sounds very practical, logical, and sensible. There is only so much time you can invest in awkward silences on doomed first dates. Why not, instead, focus on yourself instead of fumbling your way through a difficult conversation. But is it healthy to dismiss other people so quickly? Is it right to think that time spent with someone you don’t immediately connect with is time wasted? Often making connections with people over the long term can be extremely rewarding.

Surely there is a threshold beyond which modern ideas of self-care and self-love become agents for driving people apart, making them feel more isolated and less connected to a community? We’ve all heard of the trend of removing toxic energy from our lives and ‘cutting out toxic people who don’t benefit us’ but surely this approach, in the long term, can help to create a more intolerant society where people are not willing to help friends, family and potential partners through difficult periods.

For [Sarah Louise Ryan](https://twitter.com/DatingSarahLou), international matchmaker and dating and relationship expert, people are simply being more transparent than ever before about what they want in dating, in the bedroom and in their love life, and that’s a good thing. “Singles have felt the fragility of time in dating and I’ve heard so many talk about how disconnected they feel from what they truly desire that they have taken stock of what they do want and aren’t afraid to communicate it.”

“The modern dating landscape before the pandemic was confusing and so many singles complained of dating burnout. I believe, whilst I don’t enjoy the term because “corona” no doubt makes the brain jump to negativity, is actually a good thing so singles can stay on track to attracting what and who they want into their love lives.”

Ultimately, ‘coronesty’ is a good thing, Ryan argues, as people are more easily able to avoid sinking time, energy, emotion into sexual experiences with people who had other interests to them. “Whilst coronesty might feel very cut and dry on the dating landscape it means that both people are clear about what they want and if they don’t align they can continue the search until they connect with someone with whom they have both chemistry and the same intentions as they connect.”


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In the current dating landscape, people are being more honest and upfront about what they want from potential relationships


 
The pleasure that cis women experience when they orgasm is, to everyone else, the stuff of legend. But who says that men, non binary, trans, and gender fluid people can’t experience similarly out-of-this-world sensations when they climax? That is the mission of a growing number of sex toys aimed at expanding our ideas around gender and sex tech: to bring realms of pleasure that, until now, had seemed impossible. The big ‘O’ is for everyone, obv.
 
The idea that sex toys are for women is a thing of the past, like VHS players and (hopefully) bootcut jeans. Human bodies are not the same, and we all have different things that we find stimulating and hot! Sex toys have evolved to reflect a demand that is (ahem, quite literally) growing rapidly. That’s right, theydies and gents: a run-of-the-mill wank simply isn’t going to cut it anymore. People want flexibility and a more tailored experience to get us off. We want to use toys together, or separately, to stimulate different parts of the body. We want toys that are visually pleasing too, with both discrete and eye-catching options. 
 
It’s still a developing space, so we’re here to help. Below are some of the most innovative, futuristic, and fun sex toys that deprioritise gender in favour of fun. From prostate massagers to the world’s first rimming plug and toys with new airwave technology, technicolour patterns, remote apps and world-beating flexibility. There’s now a sex toy for everyone – whatever their identity – so let us help find the perfect one for you.


When it comes to picking the right butt plug, the breadth of choice can be daunting. The Bfilled Wave Textured plug from B Swish has stimulating ripple texture contours, which set it aside from other products. These contours stimulate your butt as the plug slides into your body. If you’re a beginner, this toy is plump (like a few fingers), with a tapered tip that should make insertion easy. And if you’re more experienced, the plug’s silicone gradually warms to body temperature, which makes it ideal for longer-term wear. 
 


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Bfilled Wave Textured Butt Plug

Penis rings are designed for fuller, longer-lasting erections and more powerful orgasms. But what’s better than a ring that pleasures you? A ring that can pleasure you and someone else, of course. The We-Vibe Verge is contoured to stimulate and, using the We-Connect app, it’s easy to switch vibration modes. There are eight to choose from, so you’re sure to find the perfect sensation to match your vibe – pun intended. 
 


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Verge

Arcwave Ion promises to take orgasms to a whole new level – in fact, for males, it claims to be the closest thing to the female orgasm experience. That’s quite a claim, but here’s the sell: after you apply lubricant to the device and the penis, the Arcwave Ion stimulates it with pulsating airwave technology. You can tailor your perfect orgasm by mixing and matching the Pleasure Air with a stroking action, creating a sensation so intense that users of the device say it can provide multiple orgasms in quick succession – now that sounds too good to be missed out on.


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At first glance, the Satisfyer Multifun looks a little intimidating. But don’t worry: this is a versatile toy that can be used on pretty much any body part, person or couple. The uses of this toy are pretty much as limited – or wide! – as your imagination. It can be placed against the base of a penis, ground against it during penetration, tease the balls and anus with the arms, or even gently pinch a clit or nipple. 
The Multifun comes in two super-cute colourways: blue and pink. The pink version has slightly more of a gap between the arms and has a little more give, whereas the blue is firmer at the point where the arms come together. Apart from that, they're pretty much identical.


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Satisfyer Multifun Partner Vibrator

Tenga Eggs is a masturbation sleeve that is seriously stretchy, to accommodate penises of all sizes. All you need to do is lube up and slide in. Each egg has a different pattern, which provides you with different sensations as you use it. And there’s a selection of fab packaging designs too, including a dynamic Keith Haring print. What could be gayer than that?


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Tenga Egg

If you want harder, longer-lasting erections, then the fizzing vibrations of the Satisfyer Signet Cock Ring will surely satisfy you. This soft silicone ring has been designed with two people’s pleasure in mind, delivering an intense vibration to everyone. Another fun feature is that you can use your phone to control the Signet Cock Ring, or better yet hand over control to someone miles away, all through the Satisfyer Connect App. There are 10 vibration settings to choose from, so you can tailor your orgasm to your exact wants and desires. 


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Satisfyer App Enabled Signet Cock Ring

The Transformer is everything in one: it’s a rabbit, a clitoral massager, a cock-ring, a g-spot stimulator and a prostate massager. You can use it as a double-ended vibrator, or a vibrating double-ended dildo too. It’s a sex toy that transcends labels and body-types, with users praising the Transformer’s versatility and pleasure.


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Transformer Cerise

This is the world's first rimming plug – which is quite an accolade! But what does that mean and how does it work? Well, the plug has rotating beads at the neck, which are meant to mimic the sensation of rimming, with seven titillating settings to choose from. The tie-dye design embodies what most people will agree the world needs right now – peace, love, and pleasure. Matching its groovy look, b-Vibe’s plug comes with a psychedelic box of accessories, including stickers and badges. 


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b-Vibe Peace & Love Tie-Dye Rimming Plug

Lelo’s prostate massager promises to provide prostate pleasure like never before. Made from silky smooth silicone, the massager stimulates the prostate and perineum simultaneously, which can increase the size and intensity of your climax by 33%. Who knew? In terms of other features, the remote has a range of intuitive controls, eight settings and motors in both the base and tip of the toy. These work together to deliver double pleasure and hands-free orgasms. Sign us up!


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Lelo Hugo Remote Control Prostate Massager

By now, we know that foreplay is no consolation prize. Well, that’s if the Pulse Duo Lux has anything to do with it. It is designed to be enjoyed by one or two people, with one partner enjoying the stimulation provided by the powerful PulsePlate, the other experiencing the intense vibrations emitted from the base of the toy against the perineum. Its two wrist-strap remotes enable both people to tailor their climax experience, or why not swap remotes and take your couples’ play to a whole new level.


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Pulse Duo

The Crescendo prides itself on being the world’s most flexible vibrator, which means it can be used by people of all identities. The vibrator is designed to mimic your fingers, so its strong-points are flexibility and targeted stimulation. Crescendo took four years of research to perfect and is 100% waterproof, so it’s ideal for use in baths, hot tubs and pools. The wetter the better, theydies and gents. 


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Crescendo

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We’re past gendering body parts,so why sex toys? Here’s some genderless toys, prostate massagers, remote control apps, and masturbation sleeves to peruse
 


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11 mind-blowing sex toys proving sexual pleasure has no gender

Coronesty: post-pandemic life is too short for awkward dates

long read

Patrick Heardman

Coronesty: life is too short for awkward dates in a post-pandemic world

*I’m Chanté – writer, presenter, internet addict. I write a lot about relationships, internet trends and being the best, most delusional version of yourself. So welcome to the Bad Advice Club: I’m here to give you some loving advice on your life problems. Listen, I am by no means perfect, but I think that makes me ideal to assist you in navigating tricky issues because nine times out of 10, I’ve been there! Bad advice, bad decisions – these are the twists and turns that make life sweet. So let’s ride it out together: I have some gems to drop, so don’t be shy and send in your stories, woes, dilemmas.*


**Dilemma: My friends and I are obsessed with the 'ick', but what was first a bit of a joke has become so imprinted on my brain I think I'm using it to put myself off potentials before giving anyone a real chance. How do I know what's a rational turn off, and what's a little niggle to look beyond?**



Ah, the ick, it can take a 10/10 to a 5/10 instantly when it’s bad. There are so many things about men that give me serious, toe-curling ick that I absolutely cannot overlook. On the list are: men whose most controversial opinions include ‘pineapple on pizza’, or those who refer to themselves as ‘alpha males’. Of any of us, who can look past the men that call women ‘females’?  

But we cannot let the ick rule us; we have to rule the ick.

It sounds backward, but hear me out: sometimes, the things we very swiftly decide are turn-offs aren’t necessarily our most authentic, instinctual feelings. We can be influenced by our friends and surroundings in one immediate moment. 

To overcome this, we have to decide what is important to us – friends aside, that is. Think deeply about what you want from a partner and what is absolutely non-negotiable. If a particular ick doesn’t jump out at you, it shouldn’t define which romantic interests you take seriously. Another way to decide what is rational or not is by getting to know these icks; sometimes, what we see as an ick may be superficial, but they can also be connected to past experiences or are amber flags on their way to being red. Perhaps something reminds you of a bad ex, or it is activating an insecure attachment. 

Important to remember: nobody, nobody is ick-free. There is always going to be something about someone – or something about them – that weirds you out a bit, and you have to decide what is a redline for you and what you’re willing to let go. I feel like in some circumstances, there is grace to be given; I’m sure there are things that you and I do that other people find ick, but we are not defined by what makes us icky, so we expect people to look at us holistically, so try to do the same for others. 

The last guy I dated encapsulated this: “I thought you’d find me a bit cringe,” he said while I applied my makeup for the true-crime scavenger hunt date he had organised. I was puzzled, because he was the most well-adjusted person I’d ever been with. 


“I have all these quirks, and I often see girls on Twitter saying these things give them the ick,” he continued. By quirks, I think he meant his nerdy nature – he worked with numbers and spreadsheets – and the way he’d randomly break out in song, which I found extremely cute. I find it so bizarre that we deny ourselves the things we love in the name of avoiding being branded an ick. Though the relationship ended soon after, I don’t think I would have enjoyed him trying to hide what he internalised about himself as an ‘ick’. I was glad we both had the space to indulge in the things that made us strange and unique to the outside world. 

The best relationships happen when we don’t force ourselves to contort into these strange ways of being because the internet told us they were odd. People do not ‘live their raps’ – meaning, what they state is an absolute ick doesn’t always reflect who their partners are. I promise you that your friends probably aren’t taking such a rigid approach to dating, and they certainly aren’t disclosing all of their partners' icks to you. Some people are dating – or even married! – to people who exhibit certain ick factors, so don’t let the way someone reverses their car get in the way of you meeting your one. 

And if you absolutely cannot get over an ick, perhaps you’re using it as an excuse to write off people you’re just not particularly attracted to, but don’t know why. Articulating attraction is one of life’s greatest mysteries. I feel like the many things that give you the ick won’t matter too much for the right person – IRL musical performances or otherwise. When you really like someone, those turn-offs won’t make you feel so grossed out; you might even find them charming! 



Ask Chante

Welcome to woo’s new advice column with Chanté Joseph, tackling your questions on life, work, love, and every dilemma in between


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Bad Advice Club: How to overrule the ‘ick’

Chanté Joseph

Meet new couple Nick and Kaiden: they’re navigating an unconventional work life and the politics of London’s queer community, as well as their blossoming partnership. Will their relationship, first built on sexual desire and lust, turn into the year’s sweetest love story? 
 
Love should be a safe space, and Nick and Kaiden have spent the first few weeks of their relationship crafting that intimate, personal enclave. Shaving each others’ bums, talking about the complexities of sex work, and clubbing at queer parties in Leeds – it’s all there. As we find out, their tentative first steps together reflect how important it is to stay raw and playful with each other. 

Watch the first episode of Woo’s Life in Love, a docu-drama series exploring gen z’s relationships, trysts, and every encounter in between

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