secret sex diary: the 25-year-old lesbian navigating polyamory

Vital statistics

Age: 25

Gender: Female

Relationship style: Polyamorous (currently single)

Orientation: Lesbian

The week in numbers

Sex: 3

Masturbation: 2

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with casual sex. Not for moral reasons, but because of how difficult I find it to exist in my body. I’ve been jealous of my friends’ self-proclaimed ‘hoe phases’, annoyed with myself that I couldn’t push past my doubts and enjoy that sense of freedom myself.

There are many reasons I find it difficult – eating disorders and sexual assault included – but I often blame it on feeling embarrassed about the fact that I have to explain that I’m the only person who can make me cum. I’ve met people who were very obviously put off by the sudden disappearance of this goal post. It’s like they’re annoyed because they’d expected that I just wanted to have sex to enjoy it, not reach a finish line. I’m not good at faking it, either.

Last year, after dabbling in BDSM privately for some years, I decided that I would try to connect with other people whose relationship to sex and bodies is more expansive. I began attending sex parties, allowing myself to submit to dommes and focusing on just experiencing each sensation that arose – the intensity of these moments of connection acting as a sort of meditation for me. These sex-positive spaces have helped me widen my understanding of sex, and helped me enjoy sex with people I might never see again.

Sunday

I have an unusually busy week coming up, so I use today to prepare. I wax, clean my toys, decide what I’m going to wear for the rest of the week, and pack my bag for the next night. It’s funny to think about how much my relationship to sex has changed in the past year, and I’m glad I pushed myself to reach this point.

Monday

After work, I jump on the train and check into a hotel to spend the night with Mia*. Mia and I dated very briefly when I first came out years ago, but we quickly realised we were better off as friends. Since then, every time we were both single we continue to sleep together. In the last year and a half, we both evolved our relationship styles into ones that centred on non-monogamy, so we have had the freedom to sleep together more regularly. Her boyfriend knows she’s spending the night with me, and I’m aware that both of them get a kick out of this.

My romantic relationships have been pretty dire, so Mia is my longest-standing connection. Our sexual relationship has outlived my romantic ones by years. I am obsessed with her touch in a way that I haven’t felt with anyone else.

I wait for Mia in the hotel room in just my underwear. As soon as she arrives I take her bag and place it on the chair, then I lead her to the bed. I slide off my knickers, sit down on the edge of the bed, tell her to kneel down in front of me and she begins to go down on me. Neither of us have said a word, and this moment has already been planned and agreed in advance.

Tuesday

The sun is starting to peek through the curtains in the hotel room and I can feel Mia gently stroking my back with her fingertips, a sign that I know means she wants to play again. We begin kissing and when I put my hand between her thighs she’s already wet. I tell her to get on all fours as I take out my strap-on. I pass her a vibrator, which she holds against her clit while I push the strap into her. She asks me to film her from behind whilst we have sex, she likes to keep these videos for when she touches herself alone.

I’m exhausted by the time I get to work, but it’s my favourite way to start the day.

Wednesday

I’m still thinking about Mia today. I’m distracted from working – from home – because I keep replaying our night together over and over. When it’s time for my lunch break I go up to my bed, pull out my vibrator, and make myself cum watching the video of me fucking her.

Thursday

Today I’m seeing Ella*, a domme I have been playing with for about a month. We met at a local munch [BDSM meetup group] and connected over a shared love of impact play. We have slowly been trying out each implement in her extensive collection, and today is the cane. I arrive at hers and we sit down to discuss the scene we’d planned, and she checks I’m still happy with everything.

When I’m ready to begin, I undress and kneel on the sofa, my ass exposed and my heart racing with excitement. She begins by spanking me with her bare hands, warming up my skin. She moves onto the flogger. It’s possibly my favourite toy for impact, and this is a good way to gradually increase the intensity of the hits. She checks in again, confirming I’m ready for the cane. I am.

Gentle taps to begin with help me acclimatise to the feeling of each hit. She asks me to communicate how hard each hit feels, on a scale of 1 to 10. We have agreed that today I don’t want to reach above an 8. The harder she hits, the longer the fiery sting lasts, sweeping across my skin and making everything else in my mind fade away. She makes me say ‘thank you, Mistress’ after every hit.

When the scene is over we begin aftercare. We sit and cuddle, she asks how I’m feeling and if I want to talk about anything that happened. She grabs me water and snacks and we chat until my heartbeat has slowed back to normal and I feel ready to go home.

Friday

A little bruised from last night, I’m attending one of my favourite sex parties, created for queer women and non-binary people. A while into the evening I bump into Charlotte*, a woman I often meet at these parties. She is almost 20 years older than me and I have a huge crush on her. We chat for a while catching up and she tells me I look beautiful. It makes me blush and I stumble to reply, which I feel embarrassed about. To my surprise, she asks me if I’d like to play together and I am ecstatic.

She takes me to the playroom and sits me down in a chair amidst all the other naked bodies engaging in their own debauchery. She asks to kiss me and I say yes. Then she asks me what I want and the sincerity of the question makes me shy. I tell her that I want her to spit in my face. After she does this she asks me again what I want, and I say I want her to use me. She undresses me and fucks me with her fingers and tells me I’m a good girl. I’m an extremely happy one, too.

Saturday

I wake up and immediately want to touch myself. I text Mia and ask if she wants to FaceTime and touch ourselves together, which is something we do occasionally. She says yes and I call her straight away. She’s laying in bed naked and she lets me see her teasing her clit while I begin playing with mine. I’m obsessed with the sound of her moaning and I love listening to her breathing change as she gets closer to her climax. We keep touching ourselves until we finish one after the other. We say goodbye and get on with our days.